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- genre - Romance
- year - 2020
- Directed by - Barbara Bialowas, Tomasz Mandes
- writer - Blanka Lipinska
- Actors - Otar Saralidze
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Apparently Netflix picked the month of June to do their own "Really Unwatchable Film Festival" see "Last Days of American Crime" for another cringeworthy entry. Or maybe with the current worldwide shutdown of all film and television productions, they're searching for anything, anywhere to post as a new release before resorting to pirating stuff off of YouTube.
This brings us to "365 dni, the film that would premiere on Lifetime Entertainment Service's porn channel if they had a porn channel. It's - oh, boy. I understand it's based on a Polish novelist's work, and there might be more books in the series. This is unfortunate. It's terrible to hope that the production company responsible for this dreck goes bankrupt or that every showrunner involved dies of food poisoning. Many of us are still hoping for this anyway.
There's two pretty hetero people destined to fall in love/boink a lot, the female being Polish ( Laura" and the male being Italian ( Massimo. They mostly communicate in English, so maybe the producers hoped it would have broad appeal to a U.S./UK/Australian audience, especially the types of watchers who hate reading subtitles. The pretty people have a lot of explicit sex, but while you will see breasts and rear ends, it does not feature anything but implied genitalia. Is that a plus? Does it keep it from crossing a line into being an actual porn? Is anybody else a little worried about what they're not quite seeing? The one redeemable factor in this film is at least the female character doesn't have fake boobs. Oh, and the fact that you'll learn to swear in Polish, always a plus.
You will read plenty of descriptions of this movie being similar to "Fifty Shades of Grey." That's not a compliment, by the way. "Fifty Shades" is a committee-written fanfic retelling of "Twilight" without the vampires and werewolves or any of the redeeming literary value of the original. Uh-huh. And as they say, it goes downhill from there.
There is a kidnapping. There is a cringe-inducing caricature of Italian men, reductively labeling all of them as being Mafia-involved, overbearing, hopelessly romantic, kinda' neanderthal and a bit dumb. If not for the film's positive spin on Stockholm Syndrome, that would be the greatest criticism of this movie. The female character is being given a full year to fall in love with her kidnapper, but gets it done, all the way to being engaged, in around two months. Because that happens. All the time. There's sexual tension, sure, but wait - is she that immune to trauma or do both of these characters have the emotional depth of a potato? And what's with her portrait? He saw her allegedly ONCE, when his dad was killed - no pictures on his phone, no police sketch artist, and no access to her social media. So from memory he has a huge portrait of this woman he's obsessed with hanging in his living room? Um, okaaayyy.
Around the first thirty minutes of this film, I thought it should be retitled "Massimo Gets A Lot of Head." If you're masochistic enough to watch this far, you'll see why. I should also point out that the soundtrack, which is mostly old-school-porn forgettable, features the actor playing Massimo doing a lot of the lyrics and the vocals. Yup. Didn't see that coming, did you? The female character has a supposed heart condition which is referred to several times, then seemingly evaporates. There's a whole "Pretty Woman" montage, played for - laughs? pain? a commentary on conspicuous consumption? Maybe every Lifetime porn film as a rule somehow has to feature such a lavish shopping scene along with required attendance - for no discernible reason - at the compulsory Masked Cinderella Ball. Is this really what hetero women fantasize about? I feel like I'm missing something. Then the character playing Laura, after being sent home by Massimo, somehow decides this is now the right time for her to get the asymmetrical blond bob known as the "Karen." It's topical, but the meme doesn't really work with the theme of the film, or in this story, or even as extremely bad satire. It makes just as much sense as any of the characters suddenly mastering the accordion, or adopting a deaf camel.
At least this movie ends in a good place - the deaths of both a main and supporting character. Of course, given what I know now, that may be too much to hope for. The best that can be said is you'll watch a fairly entertaining film if you fast-forward to all the sex scenes and skip all the other parts, especially the dialogue. You were warned. There's not even a good drinking game in here.
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If you are expecting 50 shades of grey then this film is not it. If you think theres more sex in this film then yes. If you are bored & no other romantic film to watch, then watch but no high hopes.
1 star for Massimo. He is good looking & pleasing to watch. He's an Italian & English is his 2nd language, so he speaks like other Italian. The girl that plays Laura is beautiful but when she speaks English, damn she sounds so rough. trying to make english sounds English/American sounds even weirder due to her deep rooted polish accent.
I follow the love story but the film script missing some elements. There's flaw in it. A couple of things mentioned but no substance. Even the ending is pretty abrupt.
All in all, 1 star for the good looking Italian.
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I just don't like tattooed trash. They are so tacky and lowbrow. But I guess that is the point the movie wants to make him look like a mobster.
I love how the movie represent the new perspective about blonde girls, it show that you can be both popular (wanted by men) and analytical (she is given options, thinks about it and makes a choice. it a bit erotic but the mood of this movie is so good.
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Unknown to the general public in 2016, this “neighbor girl” won an Academy Award for best actress for her poignant appearance in the “Room”, the true story of a woman who was exiled with her child by predators. He had overtaken Cate Blanchett and Jennifer Lawrence, both of them had run out of statues, but also Charlotte Rampling and Saoirse Ronan.
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